When you make your own suggestions or ask to talk about it, you might not always get the response you want. They are left feeling unloved and uncared for. If you are maintaining your silence despite some fault laying at your feet, you are ignoring the role you played in the argument that led to where you are now. If, once you have said what needs to be said from steps 1 and 2 above, you go about your life in an emotionally level way, not reacting to their silence, you teach them that their approach is not going to give them the results they seek. Though it may not instantly appear as threatening behavior, the silent treatment can do just as much emotional damage as more obvious threats. USA TODAY 0:00 1:04 The silent treatment is a refusal to verbally communicate with another person. Posted September 8, 2020 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma Source:. We’ve already discussed how prolonged or repeated use of the silent treatment is tantamount to abuse, and you do not deserve it. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that you shouldn't shame yourself into accepting. When disagreements occur, of course you are going to have some ill-feeling toward the other person. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you deal with the silent treatment from your partner. If one person uses the silent treatment on a regular basis, it sows the seeds of anxiety in the mind of the other. We conjure up images of twisted individuals doing horrible things to others when we think of that word. The effects of abuse are rarely instantaneous. After all, they may never know when it will be used against them. It doesn’t communicate precisely what the boundary was or what the other person did to cross it. It says, “If you don’t fix this, you will continue to face more silence.”, It says, “If you don’t fix this, we’re over, we’re through, I’m done with you.”, It says, “If you make me mad again, I’m going to make you pay again.”. Of course, you won’t always have solutions in mind. This was the go-to method my ex would use to deal with any kind of conflict or disagreement and I honestly can't articulate just how stressful, infuriating and anxiety inducing it is to have your SO treat you this way. ‘Abuse’ is such a loaded word. If some effort has been made to extend an olive branch, it’s only right that you move a little from your position and end the silent treatment you’ve been giving them. Concentrate on yourself. The silent treatment is also recommended if you have escaped an abusive relationship with a narcissist or sociopath. Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist When one party takes a temporary oath of silence after a disagreement, it is their way of telling the other person, “You did this. 1. There’s no point hiding away from the emotions that you’re both feeling after a bust-up. It can be used to avoid conflict, but it can also have more sinister motives — like control and punishment. I understand that you may need some time to cool off and process what happened, but I’m here to talk about it as soon as you’re ready.”. Sometimes there’s really nothing to say. The silent treatment is a refusal to communicate verbally with another person. The silent treatment is the refusal to engage in verbal communication with someone, often as a response to conflict in a relationship. You may want to try. Read the "silent treatment" joke of the day! ), but they will come and they will go, leaving perhaps a new understanding in their wake. It makes demands of a sort of mental and emotional perfection from others that, quite honestly, exists in none of us. Ignoring someone in this way can be extremely hurtful. Silent Treatment Silent Treatment The silent treatment is widely regarded as a form of emotional manipulation and even psychological abuse. Some things are inexcusable. Repeated apologies just hand the power to the other person. Manage Settings Are you calm again now, but you want them to make the first move? Remember, a big part of the silent treatment is the power it gives the person who wields it. It’s just a mechanism for dealing with conflict that they know. That’s where the difference lies. Do I deserve this? They want to be touched, hugged, affirmed with words. But consciously choosing to make someone feel bad is an abusive act. In this case, remaining quiet is a way to cope with the situation and the person. You may be hurting and you tell yourself that hurting them back is justified. Again, this can adversely impact the other person’s self-esteem because they will feel like they are flawed in so many ways. But they get nothing of the sort. The Purpose of the Silent Treatment. From being punished by silence to getting ignored, here are a few signs that we are receiving silent treatment. Although this type of behavior is more common in an intimate or romantic relationship, it can also happen with family members, friends, or co-workers. In these cases, once the heat of the moment passes, so does the. Silence is a form of protection and is often the only way to calm things down following an altercation. Es ist die Ablehnung jeglicher Form der Kommunikation mit jemandem, sei es verbal oder nonverbal. thesouthafrican.com - Shyleen Choruma • 9h. This is not meant as a threat or ultimatum. The research reveals there . Over time, the use of the silent treatment can become . That’s why the solution approach above should be coupled with a clear message that you accept their feelings for what they are, but that your feelings are just as valid. Recap The silent treatment is a common response to conflict and an often overlooked form of abuse. Sometimes, yes, the other person is entirely in the wrong. Photo by acworks author on photo-ac . Some abusers even refuse to acknowledge their partners' existence for hours, days or weeks on end, making the partners feel as if they . When silence, or, rather, the refusal to engage in a conversation, is used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship, then it becomes "the silent treatment," which is toxic, unhealthy, and abusive. But if they continue giving you the silent treatment for a prolonged period of days or more, it’s right that you express how that makes you feel. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. It is the act of ceasing to initiate or respond to. Still not sure how to handle the silent treatment? The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. There is a time and a place for silence. Chances are, provided with a meaningful solution to whatever came between you, they’d engage with the process of reconciliation. Search. You must communicate your own hurt or you risk rejecting it’s validity. The silent treatment is an abusive method of control, punishment, avoidance, or disempowerment (sometimes these four typesoverlap, sometimes not) that is a favorite tactic of narcissists, and . The silent treatment involves actions such as: refusing to speak to someone, not acknowledging what they say, pretending that you can't hear them, distancing yourself or avoiding their company as if they were contagious, ignoring their express requests or needs, or any kind of behavior that seeks to make a person feel invisible or invalid. This addition will analyze why narcissists use the silent treatment, in the first place. But that power is largely something that your actions give them. They simply cave in as soon as the silence begins, begging, pleading not to be subjected to it any more. They aren’t the ones who have to feel anxious about what the other may do. If you are keeping your mouth firmly shut in order to avoid the risk of suffering abuse, that’s self-defense. It is you saying that the other person deserves to suffer. E-Paper. You give them no choice in the matter – if they do not do what you want, the silence will carry on. People who use the silent treatment may have trouble communicating pain. They may be in your opinion, but not in theirs. In a toxic relationship where one party meets any attempt at conflict resolution with an escalation of aggression – and does so on a persistent basis – silence is perfectly acceptable. When the silent. It will hurt – both you and them – but it is for the best in the long run. Whilst one person closes off, the other is left searching for ways to make peace, though they also don’t want to make the situation worse, so they feel nervous when they try to make amends. What do you think?”, “Perhaps, when we fight about something, we could agree to go away, write our thoughts and feelings down on paper, and give those letters to each other, rather than going round in circles and letting our tempers get the better of us. Of course, if they really did do something to cause hurt, they should try not to do it again. Yes, they may make bad choices and do things that hurt others or themselves, but they do so of their own volition. The motivation behind the silent treatment is a lack of control . 5. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. …. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. It isn’t designed to finally jolt them into change (though it might). “Why Do I Still Love Someone Who Hurts Me?” (10 Possible Reasons), 11 Tips To Help You Cope With An Attention-Seeking Partner, 23 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Obsessed With You (In A Bad Way), “Am I Too Much?” (2 Ways Of Looking At It), 20 Reasons You Keep Getting Cheated On (+ Fixes For Each), When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce But Still Sleeps With You, 9 Ways To Tell If You Like Someone Or If You’re Just Lonely, Why Do I Want A Relationship So Badly? Also referred to as giving the cold shoulder or stonewalling, its use is a passive-aggressive form of control and can, in many circumstances, be considered a form of emotional abuse. Eventually, there must come a point where you say enough is enough. New Delhi o C. Games. Maybe not straight away, of course, but sooner or later. Of course, if you have said or done something to upset them, you should apologize sincerely, but you should only do so once. If you’re on the receiving end of the silent treatment and you want to handle things with dignity, what’s to be done? 4. Refusing to listen, talk or respond to a partner is sometimes called "the silent treatment" or "hostile withholding.". Then, silence becomes a boundary which prevents you from being manipulated again. If you’re unsure, it helps to ask these questions of yourself: 1. And whilst the person being silent may be okay with that (for a time, at least), the person on the receiving end almost certainly won’t be. If you're on the receiving end, you may feel frustrated and angry, so take a cooling-off period to get a breath and calm down. The psychological effects can be lasting. Sometimes you just need to work through things together. This page may contain links to affiliate partners. So rather than, “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” opt for something more conciliatory such as: “I see that you are feeling hurt and that you’ve pulled away. If they come back to the table and open up a dialogue within a reasonable time, then the message got through and they feel appeased by your gesture. It leaves no room for forgiveness or the softening of feelings between you. A threat is one person saying, “If you do this (or don’t do that), you will suffer the consequences.”. Africa. 1 If someone is giving you the silent treatment in order to control your actions, they are causing silent treatment abuse. Osteoporosis - a disease that thins and weakens bones, making them more likely to break - afflicts about 10 million people in the United States age 50 and older, and four times more women than men, according to the Osteoporosis Workgroup, a panel of experts in the Department of Health and Human Services that focuses on improving screenings and treatment to reduce the prevalence of the ailment . This can look like a lot of different things, but you can likely imagine a few examples—someone straight up ignores something you've said, texts go unanswered, you're being stonewalled, or something similar. That’s no way for a relationship to be. Tuesday, Jun 06, 2023. Giving someone the silent treatment may not always be such a bad thing. Will you stick with the silence for as long as they do not offer a satisfactory apology? Am I a terrible person? The silent treatment is a refusal to verbally communicate with someone, often as a means of punishment, emotional manipulation, or control. Arguments of this nature are never pleasant (what argument is? We withdraw in order to punish. Explore. Control Emotional abuse is executed at least in part to exert control over a person's behavior. The silent treatment is refusal of any sort of communication with a person, whether it is a conversation or texting.) But if you are keeping up the silent act even after you have calmed down because you insist that they must make the first moves of reconciliation, it is a little abusive. Being mean to others in a quiet way (e.g., giving the silent treatment) A feeling of hopelessness all the time (e.g., existential angst) Inwardly directed hostility, anger, or aggression (e.g., having a harsh internal critic, self harm) Having a poor self image or rapidly changing self image; Intense fear of rejection An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Do you like that idea?”, “I’m willing to reign in my spending and put more money aside into savings each month as I know this is important to you.”. Silence during this time is no bad thing as it can prevent you from saying or doing things you later regret. Merely suggest them and ask for feedback. If they are met with silence again and again, it conveys the message that they are not worthy of open and honest communication. This is the silent treatment. But giving someone the silent treatment can be a form of abuse for these reasons. Don’t ram them down the other person’s throat as the ‘right’ thing to do or as the action you think needs to be taken. This can be seen as abuse because it is effectively dishing out a sentence for a crime, regardless of how you might feel at any given time in the future. Silence works to make the other person back down, to admit fault, to feel diminished, and so they continue to use it, much to the dismay of the other person. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour. Do you take responsibility for the disagreement? Will you keep it up for a specific length of time? Then there is the effect it can have on a person’s self-esteem. In these instances, it serves to sow seeds of doubt in the other person’s mind. Allow All Cookies. When someone does something that really annoys you, do you think, “Right, I’m not speaking to them for the rest of the day”? Just be clear with them that you will not accept this kind of treatment much longer, and then follow through when you feel you’ve done all you can. Know what your limits are, keep trying to engage the other person to improve the situation for as long as you think is healthy, but be willing to let the relationship go if things show no sign of improvement. If you are ready to talk things out, open up a dialogue. In fact, in some circumstances, silence is actually recommended. The silent treatment also causes anxiety during the event. The original article detailed steps to take when one finds themself as the target of the silent treatment. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. It is effectively telling the other person that they deserve this much punishment for what they did. 3. Essentially, the point of the silent treatment is to make the victim feel confused, stressed, guilty, ashamed, not good enough, or unstable enough so that they . When the silent treatment causes harm, it is important to set boundaries. A disconnect can be so clear that, in the interests of prudence, each party goes off to their respective psychological corners to reflect, regroup, then resume with a mutual desire for clarity. Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Considered the number one weapon in the arsenal of passive-aggression, it keeps one’s “opponent” on tenterhooks while providing you a false sense of empowerment. Still not sure how to handle the silent treatment? This is abusive in the sense that it puts all the blame onto the other person and makes them feel bad because of it. When you notice the silent treatment from your partner or friend, you shouldn't respond with anger directed at the angry person. When they see that you are not playing their game, one would hope that they will stop playing it too. Oftentimes, emotional abusers use their actions to make their target feel less than, or to make them more dependent on the abuser. Becoming mindful, reading . In which case, you can simply say: “I wish we could figure out what’s wrong.”, “I’m sure, if we put our heads together and talk about this, we can come up with a solution that makes us both happy.”. Of course, a person can have boundaries and can assert those boundaries when another person crosses them. A "bi-sensory" treatment combining precisely timed sound and touch has shown impressive results in reducing people's experience of tinnitus, a common and debilitating form of hearing damage that . We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. The silent treatment is a refusal to verbally communicate with another person, a way of withholding connection - and experts say it can cause profound psychological damage for people on the . Nobody likes to think of themselves as abusing another person. That unpredictability is sure to put someone constantly on edge, anxious that they may trigger another period of silence. This is rarely the case, of course, but that doesn’t change the message the silencer is giving. It can be a fleeting reaction to a situation in which one person feels angry, frustrated, or too overwhelmed to deal with a problem. The key is to ask yourself: am I defending myself, or am I attacking the other? Many abusers cut off their partners emotionally to hurt, punish or control them. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. This puts the other person on the back foot, which is a form of control. For example: “I think some regular, scheduled time together as a couple might help you feel more loved and less neglected. They are only worthy of suffering. By not engaging, you are opting to keep them on the back foot, which can be seen as emotional abuse of sorts. By giving the silent treatment, you are inferring that you are in the right and they are in the wrong and that it is their responsibility to fix this. Silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally and electronically with someone who is trying to communicate and elicit a response. The silent treatment, also known as stonewalling, is when a "listener withdraws from an interaction, refusing to participate or engage, essentially becoming unresponsive," explains John Gottman, world-renowned psychological researcher. This doesn’t mean that you have to forgive them, but you ought to at least participate in a conversation about what happened and why it made you feel the way you felt. “Listen, I have tried to give you some space to allow you to work through what it is you are feeling, but I really want to resolve the situation before it drags on much longer. 2. Basic representation of how the "silent treatment" works. Take Time to Cool Off During a time of silence, both partners should pause to reflect on what led up to the silent treatment episode, especially if it was preceded by an argument, fight, or emotional outburst. 2 TempusWulf • 1 yr. ago 100% agree. And, quite frankly, it is so very unfair. The silent treatment screams: you should know: (1) what you did wrong; (2) how I feel; (3) what you need to do to end this silence. Read more on thesouthafrican.com. The silent treatment cannot go on forever or rear its head every time you have even the smallest disagreement. It can include anything from ignoring texts and DMs to refusing face-to-face communications.. When you grovel, beg for forgiveness, or make grand gestures designed to win them round, you are only reinforcing their belief that silence works. This works a lot better than suggesting they are blowing things out of proportion. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. UPDATE 01/26/2023: The silent treatment is a behavior employed by narcissists, to try and cause anxiety and obsession in another person. If you are staying silent in order to gain the upper hand and cause the other person some form of emotional suffering, that’s abuse. You are to blame. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, Why The Silent Treatment Equates to Emotional Abuse & How To Respond, Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you deal with the silent treatment from your partner. (17 Reasons + Some Advice), 5 Types Of Intimacy That Are Crucial To Every Relationship (+ How To Cultivate Them), © Copyright A Conscious Rethink. This is just another form of control and punishment. Most people who give the silent treatment don’t feel great about it at the time. People use. If you can think of solutions yourself, offer these up in a gentle way. Also referred to as giving the cold shoulder or stonewalling, its use is a passive-aggressive form of control and can, in many circumstances, be considered a form of emotional abuse. The silent treatment is a behavior that involves cutting off contact with someone as a form of punishment. When arguments occur, it can take a little while for those heightened feelings to pass. You can see, then, how the silent treatment can be seen as threatening someone. This doubt can stop them from acting freely in the future. You want them to feel bad for making you feel bad. March 26, 2021 Saved Stories Kipling Williams has studied the effects of the silent treatment for more than 36 years, meeting hundreds of victims and perpetrators in the process: A grown woman. The silent treatment encompasses any number of behaviors that involve intentionally ignoring and/or not speaking to someone. Except we’ve all been at that point where we simply don’t want to go back to a disagreement, and not even out of fear of escalation. In any type of relationship, both parties should feel free to act how they choose. Reacting to the silent treatment requires sensitivity, openness, understanding, and a good dose of humility. Perhaps they have shown remorse and tried to make amends, but it wasn’t quite what you’d imagined in your head while you were off ruminating. They seek resolution. This, again, is a form of control because it gives the one who wields the silent treatment as a weapon the upper hand. Invisible Chains Gaslighting Why the Silent Treatment Is Really About Abuse and Control Ignoring a person communicates power over them. You shouldn't scream at the person or express . But the silent treatment doesn’t assert those boundaries in a healthy way. Of course, the person doing the silencing sees this as justification for their actions. Am I stupid for acting the way I did? I am innocent.”. When you pull away like this, I feel alone and unsure of what else I can do, and this isn’t how I want to feel.”. And so you stop all communication, you stonewall them, and you do so to punish them. Close the door when all else fails and focus on yourself. But, know that by offering this olive branch, you are likely to shorten the time they feel willing and able to maintain the silent treatment, and this in itself is a win of sorts. 12 Do not react with anger. It may actually be a good way to deal with someone who is acting like a jerk, a new study finds. The silent treatment is the refusal to engage in verbal communication with someone, often as a response to conflict in a relationship. Sometimes, the silent treatment can be used over small matters; things that shouldn’t bring out such a strong reaction. When the silent treatment is in use, there can be no closeness, no love, no affection. Southern Africa. You might stop speaking in a single argument and wait someone out for a few days. Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist They will start to believe that everything really is their fault and will begin to accept blame for things that are not their responsibility. Laughter is the best medicine, and South Africans could certainly do with a dose of the giggles these days! The silent treatment, when used again and again, eventually breaks the spirit of the other person until they no longer have the strength to fight it. People who use the silent treatment may even refuse to acknowledge the presence of the other person. speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com, Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero, How To Deal With A Husband Who Won’t Talk To You About Anything, 12 Examples Of Passive-Aggressive Behavior In A Relationship, How To Fight Fair In A Relationship: 10 Rules For Couples To Follow, 4 Types Of Emotional Blackmail Manipulators Use Against You, How To Respond To Guilt Trips And Stop Someone Guilt Tripping You, 6 Nonverbal Ways You Are Pushing Your Partner Away. The silent treatment is, at its core, an unhealthy communication pattern and is often a symptom of abuse or a precedent for abuse. Instead, they build up over time. But if the silent treatment is a regular occurrence, they may start to wonder if anything they do is right.